Just Di

one
How powerful is shame
It can take the strongest of us
make them cringe
Guilt is a hard mistress.

two
And sometimes I forget
to remind myself
to smile.

three
And once more I try
shy and demure
hesitant lest I say
more than I would say, more than others would hear
Gingerly step forth
with the yearning for acceptance
that it seems I will never lose
And when overture is repulsed less than vigourously
up rears the hesitant head
bolder and bolder
till, alas, again, once more
I go too far
I see it. stop
Once bitten, twice shy
Did I not hear the day it was taught?

four
Is it too much to ask, then,
a friendship based on
nothing?
Just two kindred spirits
who take pleasure in company
Why must it always be
a business, a team, a permanent
never to be tampered with?
clique
Why pigeonhole
a human
harsh cruel stupid stupid stupid
I cannot be only one
I am many and varied and divers
I will not have a cage
And hence, I will be, as always, lone
alone

five
Why must I be
hero worshipper
when there is never the slightest
hint of encouragement
Why always need one to put up
on a pedestal
to validate me
unworthy, both of us, to the posts I would endow
Where is the honour
in fawning worship
Why reach out only to be spurned
Why can I not see myself independent, only alone
Why shun those who would befriend
Glutton for punishment
Never imagined I was stupid
Yet how dense must you be never to learn from your mistakes
Recurring themes are a drag, still you insist
on finding out that it is true
that fire burns every time

six
Why must there always be
a hundred facets of me
and no one to see them all, to love me for me
not even I
Myriad moods, one for each, turn and turn alike
Oh, it's fun, never fear
Still it grates
Cannot always suit myself to what another
can understand and relate to
Do I unnecessarily complicate
what is simple, straightforward
cannot help being
what keeps others happy
I like making others happy
Is that a crime
So hard to know what I really want
Easier to live vicariously
Safe as always

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