Just Di

I've been remembering our life together.
Those little moments that are replaced with real life.
But they were real once... a long time ago.
I can see your face clearly, smiling brightly like
you always did in those days. Laughing out loud,
head back, back straight, laughing from somewhere so deep
inside you.
If I close my eyes I can hear it... right now...
I remember times like,
in the airplane on the way from Spain.
That shit eating grin splashed all over your face,
a mid-afternoon topper on your gingerale,
and the glow of it on your cheeks.
You had wrapped yourself in glory that weekend,
while I had wrapped myself in the history and long
walks breathing in the atmosphere.
You were in silks and naked as the day you were born,
while I was sipping water while watching the
ocean gently push against the stone, water blue as
the sky.
We were so different then... now... forever...
So numb is my heart at the thought of you,
so deep is the wound so freshly inflicted.
My mind can not process the reality.
My mind is racing with thoughts of mundane.
Policy limits and coverages.
Work taking ahold, so logical in my means.
Kill the pain by pushing it away.
Deep into the shadows you've been thrown into.
My heart aches for your smile, for your laugh,
for your childishness and the way you always
cut it down to just what needed to be said.
What would you say now, I search my mind for the answer...
I'm coming up blank.
Tomorrow you becomes ashes... in an urn you would
have hated.
I can't seem to grasp this fact.
Without passion, without tears... I just can't seem
to catch on.
This time Wednesday you'll be scattered in the ocean.
To the places we never got to go... to the worlds
we never saw.
So many ports in this storm.
So many things unattained.
Self doubt and shame are breaking me inside.
Should ofs... would ofs... could have's...
Things I should have done, things I couldn't have done
anyway...
I feel pity for the world that never really got to know you.
Who can't picture that look in your eyes when that
beautiful smile spread across your face.
The way you loved.
The person you were.. right or wrong.. just you.
I hope I never feel this way again.
Hope I never know this again.
How small we really are... how much we really matter in
this lifetime.
You meant so much to mine. So many memories I can conjour.
So many moments I can't seem to forget now.
Slow motion silent movies burning in my mind.
Life is moving on, fast beside me.
I hide my pain behind a smile. Your smile.
I hide my sadness in a joke, and keeping my hands
going.
I feel my heart like a stone on our private beach.
The water is rushing at it, it's forever being swallowed
up.
Part of me feels its so wrong to let you go...
To just scatter you to the wind.
The greedy part of me wants to hold you close... this only
piece I have left of you.
This little gray box with silver hinges.
Your final resting.
I can't wear you like necklace laying above my heart.
I can't see you on a mantle.
I see you free... arms wide open, head back, laughing
so loud and happy... so free...
I want to remember you like that.
I want to feel the pain ebb away with the lap of the water.
I want to see you go in peace.
In joy that your life was so wonderful.
That you loved me so much, it hurt.
I want to know it's okay to let go.
This is my experience.
My video of a voyage to the next.
To your future, without us.
I wouldn't want you to feel this pain.
I wouldn't want you to see it all.
And neither would you if you had your chance.
I feel shame for the way your world has gobbled you up.
Taking what greedy hands can clutch, so soon...
TOO SOON!
You're blood not even cold and the hands were out.
Grabbing... taking... eating away at what little was left.
Tragedy beholden by greediness.
This material, these things are not what made you a great
man to the ones who loved you the most.
This wealth you accumulated in your life.
The ones who will truly miss you, are the ones standing
on that shore with the fire raging in the background.
Stars shining down on the water.
I will throw you out, like you wish, for good or bad.
For right or wrong.
Because this is you... the only person who really said
what they meant.
You're wishes are but for me to follow.
To let you fall through my fingers freely...
and just pray to God you are in peace.