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Just Di

Sometimes I feel like the poison I've been putting in my
body is killing me in more ways than helping me live.
I feel like it's taken the best parts of me and started
chewing slowly, until there's nothing left of who I was.
Just when I finally started loving me, for me...
No holding back... letting go...
I may have done alot of things I regret,
I may wish I could do things totally different.
I sometimes think back to how things were, and how
they should have been...
But that's the bridge I've burned...
It was a fucking bonfire!
Don't think I don't feel it...
Don't think I don't dream it...
Don't think I don't wake up and see it...
Don't think it's never right there, just beyond everything
in my life right now...
I've moved on from that, I can't do anything to fix anything
I've ever done to hurt the people I thought were hurting me.
I can't change any of that. What's done is done.
But it's always right there, waiting for me now.
Reminding me! I can't always tell if this is good or bad..
To remind myself of the could ofs, the should ofs, the would ofs.
I beat myself 30 ways to Sunday, even with God's peace.
I can hand it over to God and let him take my burden, but I carry
it like a stone on my heart, weighing down the rest of me.
I'm letting the past effect my future.
I'm letting memories take over.
My eye fell off the prize when I saw that florescent liquid in
that large needle.
I lost alot of hope the day they told me I'd be laying in the
rad machine, shaving my head, and putting a little tattoo
where the radiation would go.
Who could ever say no to a free tattoo?
The bitterness takes hold alot more, it's hard to fight it.
The smile always on my face isn't coming at easy, and
doesn't reach my eyes.
I can feel myself changing again, and I'm not sure I like who I see.
I'm just not so sure at all.
I guess the only good thing about change is,
it never stays the same for long.

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Sunday, October 28, 2007 ~

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Saturday, October 27, 2007 ~

You ever give a 100% of yourself only to be shit on constantly.
Haven taken emotional and verbal abuse for the last 7 years.
To be treated and spoken to like a child at 30 years old.
To be looked over, and past like you weren't worth anything.
To have worked hard, learned fast, and done whatever needed
to get done, only to be looked over for someone without the same
experience you've had.
Sometimes I feel like I'm God's one man laugh factory.
Somethings gotta give, right?

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Thursday, October 25, 2007 ~

I'm in total Halloween mode right now.

B's love of Halloween is infectious.

We made a plan to get the boys all dressed in

top scary movie costumes.

We have Michael Myers, Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruger,

"Saw" guy, & Jakey gets to be a scary skeleton.

He wanted to be the bulked up Superman, but we kept

in the scary area with a skeleton.

The boys are siked and keep reminding me and asking

me how many days until the 27th.

B's got the best costume if I don't say so myself.

3 years of Leatherface and its still really charming

in a sick, funny way.

I can't wait to see them all dressed up, this is going to

be the best Halloween ever!

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Saturday, October 20, 2007 ~

Everyone has fears... everyone cringes at something...

Whether it be person, place, or thing, regardless of how silly it might seem.

Some people have a deathly fear of bugs of all types.
Some people can't stand in the middle of the mall.

What do you fear?

What's the thing that make you shiver or shake?
What's your deepest, darkest... anything?

What do you fear?

I don't fear beast or beetle. I don't fear fire or cold.

Crowds don't bother me. Water doesn't bother me.

Death isn't what gets me, even when it feels close by.

I fear...

Of never fulfilling what my purpose was during my life.

Of not being a good person. Of giving up.

Of never once finishing anything I set as a goal for myself.

Of never really dreaming and aspiring.

I fear regret.

With the breath of death at my door step, I've only made one

Genuine goal for myself. This one I will not fail.

This one I will finish before they say the final eulogy.

I plan on swimming with the fishes. I want to finally face

something everyone fears and walk away laughing.

Crazy, yes. Stupid, no.

Some of the greatest memories in my life are ones everyone
thought was foolish and crazy.

I've travelled alone to New Orleans.

I've worked on a fishing boat.

I've jumped tandem out of a plane at 25,000 feet.

I've flown on a bungee over a bridge, praying I didn't crack my head on a rock below.

I've ridden the scariest roller coasters.

I've seen England, Spain, and Paris.

I've been to Mexico and many cities across the U.S.

I've fallen in love, and I've fallen out...

And I don't regret one of these crazy, foolish things.

I want to swim with the sharks in South Africa.

That is my dream, that is my goal.

That is the one thing I want to do before I don't have the chance to do it.

Silly, maybe. Stupid, kind of. My dream, yes.

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Wednesday, October 17, 2007 ~

but you still have to get where your going...

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Tuesday, October 16, 2007 ~

I learned something these last few days.

If you can get over the hurdles in life, the good days, the real special ones

seem that much more special.

Times like these really make you cherish your friends and family.



I've known Tara since we were little. Our mothers were best friends.

I found her again after years of not seeing each other through strange

circumstances when I was in my early 20's.



I met her again one night on East Merrimack Street when I was moving

into my own place. I went onto the balcony and there she was, one

floor down. We stood their smoking cigarettes and talking in the semi-dark.



In my opinion it was meant to be we found each other again as friends.

We share a history of our families. We share memories of childhood.

She's not just my friend, she's my sister.

And that woman, is a smart and sassy and always, always makes my

life that much more special for having her in it.



Thank you Tara, for all the laughs and love!

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Monday, October 15, 2007 ~

Just thank God you're day wasn't as bad as that guys...

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Thursday, October 11, 2007 ~

This is my radiation room, looks comfortable huh?

I'd have to say that the worst part about having cancer is the sadness you see in the eyes of the people that love you. I would do anything to take that away and keep it away.

I've always been good at secrets, but the one I can't keep, the one that no one who loves me will let me keep is one I most desperately wish I could.

Billy kept checking on me last night, and I layed on the bed and the look on his face as he opened the door slowly each time to poke his head in first was heartbreaking. It's like he was expecting to find me gone.

No one should have to live this way, the feel of death breathing on their shoulder like a cold wind, the prickle of air bringing goose pimples to your skin.

Good days, bad days, it's there... just waiting. Like a ticking clock, like a funeral procession.

So slow, it feels like time has stopped. I miss feeling youthful and free. Not knowing life at some point will be taken away by a disease I have no control of. I try not to live like I'm dying, I try and push it away like it's a common cold, a common anything.

1 out of 4 people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. The longer I live the more people around me are inflicted with it. Not the same, but some form of it. It hurts to think that someone I love will have to feel what I feel, think what I think, go through with what I've gone through with.

I wish I could punch the fucker who said "Life's not always fair."

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Saturday, October 06, 2007 ~

When I was younger and I felt something, I acted on it. I never held emotions back,
I never pushed them aside. I ran full force right into it. I fought off everything.
Once you find out you have cancer, and you're living on nothing but emotions you
start to realise how petty some things are. How silly you are for all your over-reacting
on over driven emotion.
When I'm mad, real made, I can feel it in my body. My heart races, my stomach churns, my arms and legs and voice shakes.
When I hurt, my heart felt like it was ripping right out of my chest.
Without pity, ripping out of my chest is about the exact feeling you have when someone
tells you, you have a tumor in your head the size of a nickel because of all the chemo they
put you on the kill the cancer in the first place.
Something I would have gotten mad over before, doesn't seem so quite important.
Mistakes aren't the end of the world and you only have one life to live.
I'm not finished making mine, but that's alright, at least you won't ever be able to
say I won't feel it. I didn't feel it. I didn't live it.

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Friday, October 05, 2007 ~

Posted by GivnN2Temptation at Thursday, October 04, 2007 ~