Just Di

Sometimes I feel like the poison I've been putting in my
body is killing me in more ways than helping me live.
I feel like it's taken the best parts of me and started
chewing slowly, until there's nothing left of who I was.
Just when I finally started loving me, for me...
No holding back... letting go...
I may have done alot of things I regret,
I may wish I could do things totally different.
I sometimes think back to how things were, and how
they should have been...
But that's the bridge I've burned...
It was a fucking bonfire!
Don't think I don't feel it...
Don't think I don't dream it...
Don't think I don't wake up and see it...
Don't think it's never right there, just beyond everything
in my life right now...
I've moved on from that, I can't do anything to fix anything
I've ever done to hurt the people I thought were hurting me.
I can't change any of that. What's done is done.
But it's always right there, waiting for me now.
Reminding me! I can't always tell if this is good or bad..
To remind myself of the could ofs, the should ofs, the would ofs.
I beat myself 30 ways to Sunday, even with God's peace.
I can hand it over to God and let him take my burden, but I carry
it like a stone on my heart, weighing down the rest of me.
I'm letting the past effect my future.
I'm letting memories take over.
My eye fell off the prize when I saw that florescent liquid in
that large needle.
I lost alot of hope the day they told me I'd be laying in the
rad machine, shaving my head, and putting a little tattoo
where the radiation would go.
Who could ever say no to a free tattoo?
The bitterness takes hold alot more, it's hard to fight it.
The smile always on my face isn't coming at easy, and
doesn't reach my eyes.
I can feel myself changing again, and I'm not sure I like who I see.
I'm just not so sure at all.
I guess the only good thing about change is,
it never stays the same for long.

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